It took me 330 days, but I finally broke down and opened up a can of this mystery mush. It looks just like that pink meat paste that has everyone all jacked up on the Internet. My husband told me it wasn’t so bad, just like a “poor man’s pâté.” Not helpful, dear. Even less helpful was when he told me I should mix it with mayo. So now I’m stirring something gross into something even grosser. And guess what? It produced something grossest. Didn’t stop my husband from spreading some on a roll and eating it like a sandwich. I don’t think I’ll ever kiss him again.